Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
