If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
