i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
