they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
