I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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