Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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