the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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