Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
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