hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
