is your mom at the bar?
Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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