Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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