i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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