i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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