I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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