i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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