Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
