I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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