ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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