We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
