i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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