you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
