Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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