She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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