im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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