I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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