Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
