I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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