those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
My vagina is officially offended.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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