who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
