and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
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