walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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