Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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