i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
