your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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