i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
