You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
