my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Randomize
