Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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