how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
