DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
