Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
