Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
