wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
