I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
