her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
