Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
