Will you blow on my dice?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
