No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize