you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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