I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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