You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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