my phone needs a breathalizer
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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