I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
