Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
3 2 1 whiskey
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
