Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Just fell off a train. Bad.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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