well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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