I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
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