It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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